i have never been professionally diagnosed with ADHD, but there is no doubt in my mind that i am diagnosable. since i didn't discover my neurodivergence until i was well into adulthood, i developed a fortress of coping mechanisms and skills. i really like my chaotic brain and hyperfocus is a superpower. since i don't … Continue reading imposter
roots
i don't come from here. i've lived on this mountain for more than twenty years. the land that i stand on is "my land". and all of the trees, mountains, and roads on the opposite side of my property lines are "my trees", "my mountains", "my roads" because they're so familiar that they're ingrained in … Continue reading roots
overflow
the unexpected joy of being lost for so long is feeling the fire of life again. it's so hard, almost unbearably hot. but it's so good. there are patterns in every life. day and night. work and leisure. hunger and satiation. seasons and generations. in a country life, the patterns are indelible and dangerous to … Continue reading overflow
pulse
the cold months are a time of silence. the bird feeders sustain a quiet buzz during the precious few hours of daylight and sometimes there is coyote song on the wind or an owl mourning in the forest during the long hours of the night. The distant sound of a train whistle in the valley … Continue reading pulse
companion
whether i'm suited to working alone by nature or by habit, i spend a lot of time by myself. i run to the garden or the woods or the fields when my mind is overworked, my body is understimulated, or my heart is full and heavy. consciousness fades when i'm solitary and busy and i … Continue reading companion
noncompliant
until i was about twenty-two years old, i was a little bit prissy. an indoor cat. a voracious reader. allergic to exertion. i found myself at a crossroads at twenty-two. some experiments in adulthood had failed and i was at loose ends. somewhat at random, i decided was going to get big into horses. like … Continue reading noncompliant
alone
new spring shoots are usually green, but they appear in other bewitching shades: smooth, shining peony fingers the color of fresh blood; stinging nettles as violet and barbed as a bruise; the tender, fleshy pink tendrils of bleeding heart. what thrusts up from the chill, dormant earth is often astonishing and mournfully lovely. in the … Continue reading alone
canopy
i've been spending my free time in the woods this spring. a little over half of my acreage is wooded, more or less. it has been neglected and mismanaged since long before I began to steward it. storms rip through and drop whole trees under snow or ahead of gales. birches and poplar crowd into … Continue reading canopy
breath
i have always hated my body. not in a weight/shape kind of way or a gender dysphoria kind of way, although, yes. both of those, too. this hatred is more existential than that. i have always felt like i am this pristine little metal chip, this soft and tidy spirit trapped inside a nightmare trashcan. … Continue reading breath
fist
i was messaging with a friend recently and they told me that they admired my strength. they said other nice things, too, and i was flattered. this is a person whose opinion i value, because they’re open, kind, and honest. i aspire to strength. i can tamp down all the inconvenience of being unsure or … Continue reading fist
the gumboot gumshoe 